


Relief

by MollyMa



Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV)
Genre: F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, but it is very obviously referenced, clearly just working through my own stuff here don't mind me, look after yourselves if you're reading, nothing graphic really
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-13
Updated: 2019-12-13
Packaged: 2021-02-25 23:15:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,486
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21773551
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MollyMa/pseuds/MollyMa
Summary: He never intended for her to see him looking.  He’s not even sure why it’s caught his attention today.  They’ve been together almost six months and in all that time it’s never really been a thing he spent much time thinking about.  For one thing, he’d been lost in the unbelievable thrill of being Amy Santiago’s boyfriend.  And on another more instinctive level, he felt that to ask about her scars would be to invade her past, her own private history before him that he had no right to claim by interrogation.
Relationships: Jake Peralta & Amy Santiago, Jake Peralta/Amy Santiago
Kudos: 102





	Relief

**Author's Note:**

> If talk of self-harm or scarring causes you any anxiety, this fic is one to avoid. If you're going through anything similar, remember there are tons of places out there you can turn to. Look after yourselves x

“You’ve never asked.” Amy whispers.

  
Jake closes his eyes, blocking out the reflection of Amy in the mirror. Of course she saw him looking.

  
“Hmm?” He mumbles, turning to face her properly. She’s sat on the bed, cushioned between the rumpled sheets, stripped down to her underwear. Her hair is still wet from the shower, dripping small dashes of water onto her legs, slow meandering rivulets of water running down her back and soaking into her bra strap. She looks just as incredible as always, Jake thinks.

  
“…about these” Amy nods to the dark patches of skin that pattern over her thighs. Thin white scars are raised over them in neat rows. “Do you want to ask?”

  
Her question is soft, no trace of accusation present in her voice. But there’s also a hesitation there that makes Jake pause. Of course he’s always wondered. He recalls the night of their first official date – the way her eyes closed when he undressed her, the way he’d felt her stiffen almost imperceptibly under his hands when he’d shimmied down the bed to kiss his lips against every inch of her skin. He hadn’t expected it and the sight of the scars and bruises stretching out across her legs had caused an odd flutter in his heart. He remembers now how she’d glanced down to him – her whole face creased into a silent apology – how he’d looked back up to her and tried to convey the sincere compassion he felt in that moment before asking if she still wanted this – still wanted him – because they could totally stop right here, no questions asked. He thinks about how she’d pulled him back up so that they were face to face and had kissed him so deeply that he honestly thought his heart would split in two.

  
After that night, it hadn’t occurred to him to ask her about it. He felt he knew Amy well enough to know she wouldn’t appreciate him prying. Plus, he wanted her to feel safe, to wait until she trusted him enough to bring it up herself.

  
He never intended for her to see him looking. He’s not even sure why it’s caught his attention today. They’ve been together almost six months and in all that time it’s never really been a thing he spent much time thinking about. For one thing, he’d been lost in the unbelievable thrill of being Amy Santiago’s boyfriend. And on another more instinctive level, he felt that to ask about her scars would be to invade her past, her own private history before him that he had no right to claim by interrogation.

  
Still, today he had looked and she had seen him looking. He moves to sit gently beside her on the bed and feels her body rock towards him as his weight dips the mattress.

“I don’t know.” He says, and it’s the truth. He doesn’t know if he can stand hearing what caused Amy to feel so bad that she would hurt herself. He doesn’t know if he can cope with whatever heartbreak she’s been subjected to in the past. Then again, he does know that it’s his job to shoulder whatever burden he can for Amy, because he loves her with all his heart and if there’s any way he can lessen her pain he will do it, no matter the cost to himself.

  
“I mean, I can sort of guess what happened, Ames. But if you’re ready to tell me, I’m here.”

  
Amy is looking down at where her hands are clasped in her lap. Her hair falls over her face, still dripping soft droplets of water onto her bare skin.

  
“It started when I was a teenager” Amy’s voice is quiet but steady. “I can’t even remember the first time. I used to scratch with my nails until they broke through the skin. It just felt…” She pauses and shrugs, and Jake catches her looking up at him shyly, almost as if she’s checking whether it’s okay to confess this to him. He nods once, encouragingly.

  
“…it felt like relief.” She finishes. There’s another slight pause before she begins to talk again. “I didn’t mean for it to get the way it did – cutting – but it was like an addiction. Sometimes I’d go weeks, months even, without even thinking about it. Then out of nowhere it’d hit me again and I couldn’t cope without it. I’d count down the hours till I could get home and do it. I used to count up all the mistakes I made in the day so I knew how many times I had to… then I started sneaking a blade in my purse. It made me feel safer… I know that doesn’t make sense.”

  
Jake finds himself taking her hand in his as she talks. He strokes his thumb up and down the bump of her wrist bone. He loves Amy beyond anything else – loves her more than life itself – and listening to her talk about hurting herself gives him the feeling of concrete being poured into his heart. He dips his head low, shaking it from side to side.

“I get it. Self harm’s about control, right?”

“Yeah” she whispers.

Jake nods again, his head still bowed, avoiding eye contact.

“It helps me deal when things get overwhelming” Amy continues, but for the first time Jake interrupts.

“Still?” he asks, somehow managing to keep his voice steady.

“I mean…” Amy pauses again to survey him. He finally raises his eyes to meet her gaze and he’s met with the strong, sure determination he’s got used to over their years as partners. “I have it under control now. I usually go two or three years with only a one-off incident. I can go for months without even thinking about it. And I have much better things to focus my attention on now…” she smiles at him and nudges an elbow into his ribs. Despite himself Jakes matches her soft expression. “But yeah, sometimes it flares up again and all that anxiety and self-doubt just takes over and…” She shrugs her shoulders and Jake can’t stop looking at her. He’s astounded by how calm she is, how she’s learned to live with this part of herself. He doesn’t know what to say. He knows he can’t magically make this better, knows that if Amy – resolute, unwavering Amy – can’t fix it all then neither can he. The knowledge is a physical ache that permeates his chest and sinks low into his abdomen.

“That really sucks” he says, and internally kicks himself for how pathetic it sounds. To his surprise, Amy grins empathetically by his side.

“It really really sucks!” She laughs. “But Jake, it’s okay. It’s under control…”

“And when it isn’t?” Jake asks. He’s aware that his question sounds insensitive, but it leaves his lips before he even has chance to think. Amy shrugs again.

“I meant what I said, Jake. I have better things to focus my attention on now. I think… I know that if I needed to I could talk to you about this stuff. I haven’t really had that before.”

Jake frowns. “What about Teddy? Did he not help?”

Jake notices a shadow pass over Amy’s face at the sound of Teddy’s name.

“He wouldn’t talk about it. I told him before we… before he saw. He sort of refused to acknowledge it.”

“What?!” Jake feels a sudden spark of anger flare in the pit of his stomach. He was never Teddy’s biggest fan – for obvious reasons – but this isn’t the first time Amy has told him something that has made his fists clench involuntarily.

“Go easy on him, Jake. Some people really struggle with this stuff. My point was, it was kind of why I didn’t tell you before we got to your place. I didn’t know how you’d react and that was pretty shitty of me to just spring it on you like that.”

“Are you kidding me? Ames, you have nothing to apologise for. I said it then and it still stands. I’m only comfortable if you are. You don’t owe me anything – not explanations, not apologies, not anything. I love you exactly, entirely the way you are.”

“I know. I love you too. And I want you to know, if I ever do struggle like that again, you’re the first person I’d wanna come to.”

“Really?”

“Of course!”

She sinks against his side and he notices the goosebumps forming along her arms. She’s still sitting in her underwear, he realises. He reaches back to pull their blankets closer, and wraps one around Amy’s shoulders, pulling her in close to his body as he does so. He hears her sigh quietly and feels her warm puff of breath against the crook of his neck.

“Thank you” she whispers.

“Anytime,” he whispers back, planting a kiss on top of her head, “always.”


End file.
